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The Art of breaking apartRight now or better, lately he was in a strange situation of not knowing what he exactly want, nor what he doesn't want.
The last few weeks were filled with sickness and disgust towards other people and since yesterday evening it started to turn around.
He was in a good mood today, but somehow he denied it;
"I have the feeling that I don't deserve it now or later. It just feels not right."
Being alone and sad is something he learned to appreciate.
After a lot of disappointments, trustless stories and bitterness,
the wish for a person who stays with him is somehow gone.
Maybe it'll come back in some days or weeks or maybe even months but not now.
He doesn't know it. He said, that he can't force those thoughts and feelings
again on his mind.
It would finally break apart.
Is everything fine?Sick.
He didn't know what was going on.
It started some weeks ago. The feeling of being grossed out just by looking at other people.
He doesn't want to go into cities anymore, because he feels disgusted by their presence near him.
He told his friends often enough, that he wishes himself a person to be not alone in this place. Even this wish, which he kept for more than a year, was just gone.
Being alone, having his peace was now his only wish.
But it's one of the hardest things in this world to have some time alone.
I learned that in the last few weeks.
Going back to old cuts didn't helped, dreaming of A. in W. neither. Losing myself in arts or fantasy didn't worked out.
So what's to do now?
Taking the role and act further like everthing's fine.
He don't know.
I don't know.
...Ein sehniges Männchen bricht aus der Herde aus,
Vor Aufregung spannt sich meine Haut und meine Ketten schnappen zu...
Und wie die kalten Glieder sich um sie wickeln spüre ich, was sie denkt, was sie fühlt...
Es ist wundervoll.
Ich umschlinge sie wie eine Geliebte
Und Schauder rinnen in mir herab.
Ich hatte nicht gewußt solchen Durst verspürt zu haben.
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